Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Take This Merc And Key It, Dude

Couple of months ago I'm boppin' through Harvard Square (my chick of the time liked those things called "books" and I was freakin' shoppin'), and this curly-headed asshole in a $5,000 suit starts hailing me from his Mercedes Benz.   "Hey!" he shouts.  "HEY!"   I know the dick wants directions, but he's treating me like I'm his freakin' servant.   I straighten out my Donegal flat cap and saunter up to the douche.  "Yessss?" I say.  "Could you please tell me where so-and-so is?" he asks.  Impatiently.   Downright oozing with "entitlement".   I pretend to poke my peepers into his Merc.   "Dude," I say.  "You own a high-end Mercedes and you don't have GPS?"  "It's not working right now," he says.  "Well," I say.  "Get it fixed."   I pause while he looks at me with this ridiculously expectant simper on his lips.  "I might tell you - if you give me 500 bucks," I say.   He turns away in disgust, half laughing almost.  I shrug and tell him, "I may be a bad businessman, but it ain't like I'm your Faithful Family Retainer.  But it's all good.   You don't have to pay if the price is too high."  Then I lean over.  "Of course," I say, "you could always outsource asking your directions to, like, China or India or some such place.  I mean," I say, leaning in toward the dick ever closer, "Aren't they smarter and harder-workin' than American chumps like me?"   I pull my head away from the driver's side while the guy glances at his wife and hurriedly starts rolling up the window.   I get in one last shot, "What are you gonna do, dude?   Get out and beat me to death with your riding crop?"   I send this banker-like asshole on his merry way thus-wise.   Good riddance.   Ever after that, I've been researching how to separate Mercedes hood ornaments from their vehicles.   Like, what should I use - a bolt-cutter maybe, my bare hands sheathed in a pair of work gloves?   I don't know yet, but I really like the idea of staging a raid on some $100 a day parking garage in downtown Beantown and reaping a crop of upside-down peace signs that I can, like, string together and sell on Ebay.   What y'all say to that?

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