Monday, March 28, 2011

How To Avoid Jury Duty

Here are some tips on how to avoid jury duty:

1) Shave your head (tattoos are optional).
2) Wear jeans, a black leather jacket and a black shirt of some kind (e.g., maybe a turtleneck in winter, but definitely a T-shirt in summer).
3) Do NOT be so freakin' stupid as to wear a suit.
4) Remember - you still have balls - so do not wear khakis or glasses.
5) If you have created a website to celebrate your criminal ancestors, mention it on your jury duty card.
6) If you regularly maintain any kind of anti-authoritarian blog (e.g., anti-corporate, anti-government, anti-whatever), mention that too!
7) When you fill out your jury duty card, use a leaky ballpoint pen that leaves little clots of ink all over the place.
8) Use either dramatic and childlike block printing or penmanship so bad it calls your sanity into question.
9) Make sure your handwriting is just legible enough for the "bad citizen" content of your remarks to come through loud and clear, but no more legible than that.
10) When the judge glares at you, don't glare back - but don't avert your eyes either. Just gaze back at him innocently as though you've done nothing wrong. (Impersonating a mild case of catatonia can only help you here.)

Try all the above steps to be sure. They worked for me!

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